I had planned to take a picture of myself yesterday, when I had my hair done and makeup on. We were going to celebrate my niece’s birthday, so I had visions of setting up the camera and using the remote to get a few captures of me getting ready to go out, or after I was already done and dressed. Me being “done and dressed” in anything other than running clothes/pajamas doesn’t happen very often and I wanted to take advantage of it.
But, somewhere between putting makeup on, forcing the toddler to poop on the toilet, helping to finish homework after school and getting all four ready to go, I didn’t even change out of my hoodie and yoga pants, let alone take a picture of myself.
So today, I was trying on some new clothes and decided to snap a few pictures.
What I realized is that I’m not very kind to myself. When I look in the (dirty) mirror, I see my thighs, squished into skinny jeans that probably most people wouldn’t wear if they were me. And I remember when I started running, how I longed for “runner’s legs” which I know now, I’ll never have.
Instead of thinking about how far I’ve come in the last two years since I’ve started running and lost 50 (give or take a few depending on the day) pounds, I cringe when I start running and feel my butt bouncing up and down. I think to myself, as I take those steps “Oh good. My arms are flapping again.”
Instead of thinking that I’m a good role model for my girls, who see me run several times a week, I think, I’m a good role model anyway.
That word. ANYWAY. Not, I’m a good role model. Instead, it’s even though I’m not a fast runner, I’m a good role model anyway. In my head, it’s I’m a good role model even though I’m slow. Even though I’m not muscular or thin. Even though svelte runners can see my lumps through my compression pants.
And it’s not just my body, but everything. When I look at my face, I see sagging skin and ever-present pimples. When I see what I’ve written here, on the blog, I see dismal stats and few visitors…what I could be doing to make it better and what I don’t have time for. Instead of a website with a lot of potential, I see an admin that doesn’t have a clue what she’s doing. When I do change out of my running clothes/pajamas and go somewhere, I secretly hope someone will notice and say something. I have a lot of cute clothes, I just don’t usually think they look very good on me and apparently, I need attention.
Are you kinder to yourself than I am?
Through The Lens Thursday is meant for self-improvement, so please….constructive criticism is welcome!
Through The Lens Thursday is a self-improvement photography project that Alison of Writing, Wishing and I are doing this year.
Don’t forget to join our Flickr group or share your own posts if you’d like to follow along and work on your own photography! And use the hashtag #throughthelensthursday to connect with others working on it, too.
Next week’s prompt is BOOKS.
After I wrote this, I realized maybe Erin’s and my inner critics maybe need to have a chat and shove off.
girl except for your frowning face you look amazing!!! I am so proud of you!!!
You know what I see? I see a trim waistline through that cute top. I see your strong arms and legs.
But I do understand how we are our worst critics. We are so unkind to ourselves. We say things to ourselves we would NEVER ever say to other people.
I want you to see yourself as others do. As beautiful, strong, courageous and a damn good person.
You know that my inner critic sounds a lot like yours (and Erin's) but from my vantage point, you're a friggin' rock star. I so admire how you have worked to get healthy even as you're taking care of your little ones, and when I see you I see perseverance, strength, beauty and grace. xo
I don't see any of that on you but I look at myself the same way, so I know what you mean. I love how real you are in posting photos of you though (and I think you look great).
I see a woman whose strength I admire.
I see a trim waistline and cute jeans.
I see a friendly face of a fellow blogger I was so happy to have met IRL this past year.
I see the friend who inspires me every time she posts about her mileage stats.
You're beautiful inside and out, Greta. I love your honesty because, really, what woman hasn't thought all of those things about herself? I know that I'm all too hard on myself, too. It's a daily battle to get positive self-talk to win.
I definitely understand being your own worst critic, but I have always been amazed at how much you do. When Ethan and I come visit my thought is more like, "Holy smokes, she has four kids running around, a blog to keep up with, a million things to get done, and she still looks so pretty every time ANYWAY." or "She has had four kids, I have had zero, and she could outrun me by miles ANYWAY". I doubt I would have ever even tried a 5k if I didn't know you!
I know it doesn't change what you see in the mirror, but I have seen you enough times with no makeup getting trampled by kids to say that you are definitely naturally beautiful. Dressed up or not.
It's true. We say stuff to ourselves that we wouldn't have the balls to tell our worst enemies. You
Where did the rest of my comment go!? AHEM. You, for the record, are a great role model, a wonderful blogger, and super cute in that shot and jeans.
Oh yeah, I get this. I do. I pick myself apart too.
But when I look at those pictures of YOU, I see fierce. I see a strong, determined, bad-ass mama/person. For real.
You're beautiful. Just the way you are.
Why are we all so hard on ourselves. What stood out to me is that you managed to get FOUR kids ready to go – anywhere??? I can barely manage my two. I see a strong woman, an amazing mom and a RUNNER. Period.
You're doing a great job. I think you look fantastic I'm so proud of you
I see strength and resolve when I look at those photos and when I read these words. I have been working really hard lately to quiet the inner critic and appreciate the silence left behind. It's hard, though. Really hard.
This could have been written by me, or I suspect, any number of mamas our age with our society to measure up to. The internet can create a false sense of what others are and how they look, and its easy to only notice the beautiful few who present their very best all the time. But, who knows what may be under the façade. I think you look great, even without your makeup and with that cute little frowny face. 🙂 You have done so much , and you are actually quite inspirational, soooo there. I like this post, Greta. Thankyou for your honesty. You are not alone.
I really like that top Greta and you look great, I adore that scowly face too! Photos of ourselves are the worst, no-one sees what we do.
Remember we don't run or exercise just to get slim, more important to keep that heart strong and healthy, looks like you have a fantastic heart, so you must be doing something right!
In the meantime we will keep squeezing into those pesky skinny jeans!!! Clare x
We are all guilty of being too hard on ourselves, but girl you should be so proud of yourself for all that you have accomplished! And every time you run you should be thinking, DANG, look how far I can go now!
I see a strong woman with what seems like killer gams to me and the super cutest top ever!
I don't know what it is about this week – maybe it's the warmer weather and the notion that swimsuit season is coming – but I have seen a lot of women taking crap this week — based solely on their looks. And THAT should be the least defining, or interesting thing about us. I have received several emails telling me to "get control" of my life and get in the gym (yeah for unsolicited advice!) and I know one woman who was actually told "my, you put on weight over the winter." really? That same woman also won a free trip from her employer because she was so darn amazing at her job. But no congratulations about that. gggrrrrrr
In terms of photography, the picture so captures the difference between how amazing you look externally….but the internal war can be seen in your face. Which makes it a pretty powerful image.
and your words just elevate it all to just about the best darn thing I've read in awhile. And all that together, the whole package – shows YOU. Which IS damn interesting.
I say things like that to myself too. I minimize what I do and am and focus on the things I don't like. I am trying not to do that so much, but it is hard to to listen to that negative self-talk. I think you are strong and amazing and a great role model, Greta! I admire your dedication to running and you inspire me to run myself. Also, you look so cute in that outfit!
I actually love that first picture. You look so stubborn, like nothing will get you down. Strong and brave, that's what you look like to me. Cut yourself a little slack – you have a lot on your plate and you get it all done and manage not to eat everything on that plate, otherwise you would not have lost those 50 pounds! xoxox
I totally get this. Every time I come to work, I wonder how many people think I look fat today. I wonder what article of clothing will people criticize in their head today. I wonder how many people are noticing the pounds I am packing on.
I used to see a skinny girl when I looked in the mirror. Seriously, despite whatever size I was, the girl I imagined myself as was who I usually saw when I looked in the mirror. Now I can't see her anymore.
I need you to know that when *I* looked at you, in your pictures and in person, I saw a beautiful girl. I can picture your smile and your laugh and it makes me smile. I am jealous of your body – its strength and its beauty. I really really hope you can see yourself with my eyes. xo
You are a strong, beautiful woman and amazing role model. Know that! xoxo
I see strength, Greta, both physically and emotionally. I see it. And I know you know it's there. The voices in my head do the same mean crap. It's hard not to ingest it, believe it. But it's all lies.
I know this lack of kindness. And I hate that I sometimes let it show. I wish we could all see ourselves the way others see us. I, for one, think you have the cutest figure. You are beautiful and strong and determined and such a hard worker. Not to mention a great friend. Your kids see how hard you work. We have to remind ourselves that if we're not careful though, they'll see our lack of kindness to ourselves as well. xoxo
I love you and I think you are amazing. No anyway. You just plain are.
I see a woman who is funny, sarcastic, helpful, kind and witty. Now, I am not a fan of the frowny face, but I am all about you sharing your story and helping me feel better about my "down talk" and realize I am not the only one that does that.
I hate looking in the mirror, all I see is fat and ugly, so I get where you are coming from. Let's move away from that, together.
I see a hot momma and a fab shirt (where did you get that? I want it) and legs I would kill to have. And I see a beautiful friend. That's what I see.
You look great and need to give yourself more credit. We love you and I understand how you feel (but I do have the extra weight). You ROCK! (saying in with my Colombian accent!)
Greta!!! You know I do the same damn thing to myself and I just hate that for us! I know you look amazing in those jeans and YOU know how hard you have worked for it! So c'mon, own if girl! You should be proud and if it were anyone else you would be cheering them on. 😉 love you, you look great!
First of all, I Capital L Love that top. Done.
We are all unkind to ourselves. Everybody else sees the best parts of us while we focus on the hidden flaws. I think that's okay to a certain extent, because it can keep us humble. But we also have to be careful not to dwell on them, because it gets in the way of seeing ourselves for what we are – beautiful, strong, and amazing. Which is what I see when I look at this picture of you. xoxo
Oh, woman, you look great! And you know what? I'm UNDERweight and I STILL feel my butt bounce when I run. It's normal!