While You Still Love Me
Querida princesa,
You are almost three. To me, you are still small. But when I look back at all those baby photos, I’m stunned at how fast time passes. You were so tiny, and beautiful, and perfect. I need to get better at appreciating you while you still love me.
Every week you are getting more vocal. I don’t pretend to take credit for that, considering you started going to daycare when I returned to work. Someone else had the luxury of seeing your face light up with new ideas, of watching your reactions when you tried new things. Someone else put in the time to teach you new words, and to listen to you repeat them, over and over, until you got them right. I won’t take credit for these things, and I’m okay with that.
I can’t believe you are almost three.
From week to week — sometimes from day to day — I see changes. You show better coordination, and you are able to execute tasks more successfully. You are becoming more independent. You are needing less and less of my presence, but when you want my attention you demand it: to acknowledge success, rather than to provide help. It gets annoying sometimes, especially when you talk over an adult conversation, but your screams of “Mommy, LOOK AT ME!” are like tacos to me. I will never tire of them.
So, I hug you. And you hug me back… Sometimes.
I say that I love you. I ask you to reciprocate, to build a habit of this loving connection. But mostly, I want to hear the words, “I love you mommy” from your perfect little mouth.
And I squeeze you one more time, because a hug and a word will never express the intensity of what I really feel for you. I could hold you for a thousand years and never fully voice that feeling.
Holy crap. You are almost three.
I am afraid. I’m afraid of you finding my love and my words embarrassing, sooner than I expect it. I don’t mean embarrassed in front of friends, I mean when it’s only you and me. I know it’s coming. I know it’s part of you growing up. And I know it will break my heart.
To be honest, I’m also afraid of me. Afraid of losing my patience and trust in you as you go through life and experience emotional changes. After all, you are expected to morph. I did it and it was hard. I’m afraid of losing the connection we share now. I’m afraid of missing your love.
These things, though, are visions in the distant future. For now, mi vida, you are almost three. So small, so beautiful, so perfect.
All I can do is continue to hug you, to squeeze you, to love you. I’m hoping that by preaching how much I love you and how often you need to say it back to me I am able to tattoo this onto your heart and engrave it onto your soul. Because one day you will cross that fine line where you realize it is time to stop being mama’s little girl. It will be time to grow, time to fly away and be yourself. Until then, you are mine to care for, to hold and to love, and you will teach me to be a better recipient. All while you still love me.
– Mommy
I know the feeling of "when are they going to stop loving us openly as they do now?" It'd come sooner than we like, so yes, hold on to those moments tightly. Lovely to see you here, Nadia.
I am holding on Alison. It's a freaking roller-coaster and I do want to enjoy the ride. I do.
And I wouldn't have never passed the chance to be over at Greta's. Who doesn't love her!?
Time does go so fast, doesn't it? Before we know what happens, they are walking ahead of us when it seems that only yesterday they were holding our hands. But so far I am discovering the love is still there – they just show it differently as they grow. 🙂
Time flies. 🙁 and this age is so full with curiosity and wonder, it's magical. Is it too bad I don't want her to change? Is it too bad I want her to keep showing me her love in the same way? *sobbing*
3 is such a wonderful age! … it is TOUGH, but it is wonderful. Especially the conversation parts of it! 🙂 Enjoy three. Savour it. She still has a long way to go before she grows all the way up.
The conversation parts are my favourite and the ones I'm great at. Who knew I could talk her into 'stop crying' and 'share your food'?
While every age is amazing- 3 was especially good- my girl still loved to snuggle- still just in between baby and kid- she is 4 now- more kid than baby!
Aww that sounds so lovely. Those snuggles are precious. 🙂
So sweet! Our time with our babies is so precious!
That's right. I'm embracing it and holding tight. Thank you for coming over 🙂
So much of this breaks my heart. You're a wonderful mom and I hope you'll always have those beautiful bonds.
Thank you Robin, I can only assume you probably feel this twice.
I hope to develop and maintain those bonds too. I do, I do.
I felt exactly the same as you did. But my girls are older now (teens) and I want to tell you that it will be awesome! If you focus on creating the close and loving relationship you want, you will get that. My girls and I are very close, and we have an amazing relationship. I have loved every stage that they went through growing up. Each age was different, but they were all great. And I'm not the only one! I know so many other parents with older kids who would say the same thing. Don't worry, whatever you are losing as they change will be replaced with something different but equally great. My 5'10' volleyball player 15 year old will be over here in a few minutes to give me a hug before bed – it's a giant hug, not a sweet little one, but it still feels great. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom like you and there are so many great things ahead. Just know that.
Dani, this just melted my heart "My 5'10' volleyball player 15 year old will be over here in a few minutes to give me a hug before bed – it's a giant hug, not a sweet little one, but it still feels great". What a great thing to look forward to in life. If this is something I can build…future, bring it on!
Trust me, it will be amazing. If you ever have a moment when you doubt that (like all mothers do), send me an email and I will remind you again!
Oh Dani,
Thank you. You are so sweet. Hugs hugs.
So beautifully written Nadia – I know that feeling.. they grow up much too quickly! Hug them tight:)
Raj
Pink Chai Style
Thank you Raj,
I will 'squeeze' her tight.
I am so thankful that at 10 yrs, she still tells me she loves me, that makes me proud
I bet that's the best feeling ever. I look forward to it.
I think Dani naiiled it with her reply. I also have older kids and the love just gets stronger. It's a different kind of love for sure. They're not cute and cuddly but they become amazing young people and our relationships can flourish into something equally special. Enjoy the ride:)
Truly putting things in perspective now.
These comments are very helpful, especially from some of you that are going through some of this new phase in the mama arena.
What a beautiful post Nadia, hugs to you!
Thank you Heather 🙂
Hold on tight, it goes by WAY too fast!!
It's going faster than I thought. Next blink and she is a teenager. I'm. Not. Ready.
They grow up too fast. It's a little heartbreaking.
I know. This makes it a good reason to consider baby #2.
I'm looking forward to having a child so much, but I know I have a lot to prepare for. Thanks for sharing!
Oh yes. Lot's to prepare for 🙂 Their body heat besides yours. Their warm breath touching your face. Their hugs. Thanks for reading.
Such a moving post, Nadia! They do grow up way too fast, and all you can do is savor every moment – good or bad – because the day does come when you want them all back – good or bad! My daughter is off to university, and I still remember her first day of kindergarten… xo Sheila
Thank you Sheila. It makes it better reading it will be okay, different, but okay.
how lovely and moving Nadia! yep – just keep on loving on them as much as you can. it will imprint on their hearts and little souls. No matter the hard and bad days ahead, love will always cover over many wrongs.
Thank you amiga. I know…I'll keep squeezing.
very touching Nadia. i share the exact same sentiment.
Thank you Mitzi. I bet you are going through the same, the little hugs, the little smiles. Squeeze, squeeze.
That's so beautiful Nadia, it's almost like poetry.
Oh my! Thank you. I take it as a huge compliment considering Poetry has been difficult for me. 🙂
So many beautiful words. Three is my favorite age and my littlest is approaching it soon – I'm afraid of being heartbroken when that time has passed. I used to be afraid of losing myself too, writing has helped a lot with that.
Thank you. Those words came from my heart. It was very hard to finish the post w/o crying.
Hi Nadia, beautifully written, so true, the fear of the unknown is the worst fear. That's why it's so very important to live in the here, in the now! <3 My baby is 23, his hugs today are better than they were when he was 3, even though that is true, I still miss his little face and the thrill of watching life through his little eyes! Thank-you for sharing! xo
Oh Laurie, thank you for sharing too. I want to know and to believe I can have her love.
Sweet. I love writing love letters to my kids on my blog. They are teenagers, so they don't love the letters now. But, they will later.
I have to bookmark Greta's blog for sure. Probably print it as well.