Elaine writes at The Miss Elaine-ous Life, where she shares “random acts of life, family, and photos”. I’ve been lucky enough to get to know Elaine online, and am really looking forward to meeting her at Blissdom next month. She has three ADORABLE kids and a wonderful marriage to her man (who just ran his first 5K, with her, this weekend!).
She’s bringing back old-school blogging with this post and shared her Day In The Life (with photos). I loved learning more about her with both of them (and still need to do my own 48 questions!). She’s an amazing woman, wife, mother, photographer, friend, blogger, and I’m so happy to share her words here today!
Breast is Best Unless…
When I got pregnant for the first time I was sort of in shock. I wanted to be pregnant but I had no idea it would happen the “first” time and so quickly. I took one look at that white stick with two bright pink lines and freaked out, saying “Oh My God” over and over and over. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest as my husband stood across from me smiling from ear to ear and trying to calm me down.
Once the idea of growing a human in my body grew on me a bit (no pun intended) and the thought of said human having to come out of my body (!) set in and I settled down, I acquired many books on pregnancy and babies. I also kept a journal on my computer of the daily changes in my body and those of baby, which the emails from Baby Center informed me of weekly. I poured over all the information I could, especially regarding the development and milestones of the little person that I would soon come to know.
One of the things I was most concerned about was how I was going to feed my newborn baby. I took a breastfeeding class and read at least two books about that subject alone. So, imagine my disappointment when after several weeks of trying and crying and emotional downfall, I just could not make it work. No way, no how.
My husband, Tim, sat me down on the couch one night after our newborn son was asleep with a belly full of both my pumped milk and formula and said to me, “Elaine, I know how much you wanted this to work but for your welfare and that of the baby, I think you know what you need to do.” He was right – on both counts.
I DID want it to work so very badly. I wanted to snuggle my baby close to my chest while he drank from my breast. I wanted that connection with him so much that my heart ached down to my very soul. I wanted to be able to say that I fed him from me, that I was the reason for those chub rolls on his arms and legs and I wanted to bond with him in a way that no other human could.
But I also could not be a total wreck for my baby son ANYMORE.
My son is almost 9 years old now and there are days when I still wish this could have been different for us. Of course I do not think about it nearly as much as I used to (maybe only when I write a post like this) but it still crosses my mind. And I do still wish that whatever kept it from working could have been different and that those first few weeks of our time together had not been so clouded by my depression of not being able to feed him in that way.
But the past is the past and my boy is beautiful and healthy and pretty darn perfect if you ask me.
And I hope other mothers know that it is not the end of the world if you cannot make it work, and that you can still bond with your baby and there is no way that you love them less, even if you simply make the choice not to breastfeed from the get-go.
I personally still feel that “breast is best” unless the inability to do so causes anxiety and depression like it did for me.
In the end you have to do what is best for both your baby and YOU. I so wish I had known that from the beginning…
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I have always felt blessed that breastfeeding was so effortless for me and my girls. I had an easy time with the postpartum period and nursing. Not bragging, just extremely thankful. I've met your kiddos and they are wonderful. I've met your amazing husband (he got up at 5:30 a.m. to make *me* coffee). And you, my dear friend, I've met and hugged you..not nearly enough often enough on the hugs, but I know whenever the time is right that we meet again that those hugs will be there. Love you, girl!
Kirsten, I am SO VERY happy that it was that way for you. I truly wish it could be that way every time for every mother. You were and ARE blessed with those 3 beautiful girls! Love you back, E
No mother is any less for not being able to (or want to) breastfeed. The important thing is that he's fed, he's happy, he's healthy. And look at him now. You're a great mom, Elaine!
I completely agree. And thank you Alison, always for your love an support. xo
I had a very similar experience to yours. Breastfeeding was something I really wanted to do – and I did – but it was fraught with challenges. I kept thinking it should be so natural, and yet here I was struggling. I agree that breast is best, but like Alison said, the most important thing is that babies are fed and healthy and happy. Sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves as moms.
I put a TON of pressure on myself and it was horrible. Thankfully it did work with my second son and I got to experience it but then when my daughter came along she wouldn't nurse either. So I pumped for 4 months and supplemented. You do what you gotta do. Thanks for your comment. 🙂
This is the exact same thing that happened to me. I stressed out over it so much and felt that I was not good enough.Once I got over it and saw how happy my baby was and how healthy she was, that was all that mattered. 7 years later and she is an amazingly intelligent little girl.
I am wo glad that you had your husband there for support. That is really the best feeling ever.
Oh Jayme, group hug! (I'm including all the other first-time Mommas that dealt with this! ha!) And of course your sweet girl is all those things! And yes, having my husband support me was THE key, for sure. Thank you!
Love getting to know you better and since these moments right after our children are born often are some of the most poignant and best remembered, I find you learn so much about a person when we read about these moments. You and he are doing great and that is what is important! I had a nightmare of a time breastfeeding and I was lucky because it was not combined with depression and I had excellent LC care, I was able to continue. But wow do I get it and mama, you did the right thing!
Yes, Brittany those first few weeks after our first child is born definitely help us see who we truly are and what we can withstand! And I mean that in the nicest way… 😉 Thank you!!
The support of Tim was KEY. I could not have gotten through any of my postpartum stuff without him.
Good for you Elaine. I mean, I know a million people will hate me for saying this, but I don't think it really matters either way! Is there any way to tell if a kid was breast fed or not? I think kids turn out awesome if they are loved. I am glad your husband talked to you and you listened : ). Great post.
Thank you, so much. 🙂 And no, no way to tell that I know of – ha! 😉
He is so tiny there!
Every parent should do what is best for them and for their children. I believe that is what is best.
I know you do, Jessica and thank you. 🙂
I had the exact same experience as you, right down to husband finally intervening ad saying: you've gotta stop doing this to yourself…it's time to try formula and it's ok.
That choice seemed so staggering then, but with each passing year I realize that there are much bigger and more important issues to potentially compromise my own health over, good job, mama.
You're included in my big group hug too, Gigi. 😉 Thank you…
AMEN. I tried and tried AND TRIED for six weeks and was so miserable. After meeting with a nurse (not a lactation consultant) and talking to my mom I finally gave myself permission to quit. What a difference for me and for my daughter. Life became livable again!
I am so glad you gave yourself that permission. And thank you for your comment. 🙂
Yes! So much yes! I had such a similar experience. When I finally quit trying at 6 weeks it was like the sun came out again. My husband still says it was like the real me came back. I had so many expectations and was not prepared for how difficult it was going to be. I was eventually able to breastfeed my later kids, but choosing to go to the bottle was the right decision for ALL of us with my first. I wish more of us had talked about the difficulties then. Thanks for sharing this Elaine–I'm sure it will be just what some desperate mother needs to read.
My depression had to do with a few more factors but this was the main one. And yes, much like the sun coming out again… 🙂 Thank YOU, Nicole. xo
It can be so emotional! It took months for my preemies to "get it," and before they did, I said I wanted to quit every single day. A friend of mine had fully planned on breastfeeding her twins, and turned out her body simply didn't produce milk. She was so unprepared for how emotional she would be over it. But we do what we have to do to stay sane and keep everyone healthy. Great post!
Leigh Ann, anyone who breastfeeds twins is a complete ROCKSTAR in my book!! And I had a good friend who just did not have the supply either. That's really tough. Thank you!
What a great post Elaine! I love your take on such a tough subject for so many moms. And that photo of you two is so sweet. You look so darn happy!
Thanks Meagan, so much. And I was happy there, but it took a while…. xo
So true and I'm so glad there are people like you to say this, Elaine. I got lucky and haven't had issues with breastfeeding, but I know others who have and I absolutely believe that your own mental health can be more important than trying to force it.
Thanks, Robin!
I had all of that, but in a matter of a few days (hours?) in the hospital. It was emotionally excruciating, and like you, I still sometimes think about it and regret it, but I know that the decision I made in the end was the best for both of us.
And that's all that matters. 🙂 xo
You both look so beautiful. I agree with you – I can’t say it any better than that. No matter how much the desire is, you have to do what works. My daughter is almost 9 by the way. I’ll bet our three kids are close in age.
Oh thank you, Jennie! And I bet they are close in age… when is her B-day? B's is April 2nd. And my others are 5.5 and 3.5 🙂
You and your husband are not only good parents but such a great support for each together.
I think there is so much added pressure on moms to breastfeed. Of course we want to do what is best for our babies and that is just what you did, I'm just sorry you had all the mama guilt too!
Thanks Poppy!
I tried with all 3 to no avail. DD #1 went to bed hungry a few times unbeknownst to me because the "lactation specialists" scared the bejesus out of me if I dared to give her formula. So many things wrong with that scenario. Do what works for you and the baby and don't let anyone tell you otherwise is what I tell my friends.
Yes, lots wrong with that scenario for sure. And you give good advice. Can we be friends? 🙂
I'm loving the picture of you and B. That said I think there needs to be more posts like this, breast feeding isn't a black and white issue, every mom needs to do what is best for her and her child.
Thanks, Julia and I agree with you for sure.
Oh Greta, I'm such a heel! I never thanked you here for hosting this wonderful guest post opportunity and for letting me take over your space for a day. Thank you SO MUCH! I loved the comments and it was cathartic to be able to write this out. xo
I fought so hard to breastfeed also, to the point that I took Reglan to up my supply. I pumped around the clock. I drive myself NUTS! I wouldn't do it that way again, and I think you do what you need to do. Your husband is a smart and supportive man – and your photo is adorable!