Wondering what Great Expectations is all about? Every Monday night, I ask guest bloggers to tell us about some expectation that they had in life, and what reality actually turned out to be like. You can click that tab up top to see what previous guests have had to say (and there have been some harsh realities).
I’m so happy to introduce a brand spanking new blogger to you today. Shawna of Uncensored Mama has been a friend (and presence) on twitter and instagram for some time, but became a blogger just last month. And boy howdy, does she have stories to tell!
She has one three year old son (who came into this world in a tornado of excitement) and the cutest puppy you’ve ever seen, and they both keep her very busy.
Shawna is also an Avon lady, so if you have needs of the beauty persuasion, she’ll hook you up.
I do believe this is her very first guest post,so show her some love! Thanks so much for being my guest today, Shawna!
Back in March 2007 I packed what I could in my 2005 Spider Eclipse and hit the road. I was driving cross country from Chico, California to Ellijay, Georgia. It only took me three and a half days to reach my destination. I had a guy (ashamed, but I met on Myspace and no, we didn’t work out) waiting out there for me and better yet, my Dad.
Let’s back up a bit. I was a daddy’s girl growing up. Excited just to follow him outside to take the trash out. He was my hero. My everything. Granted we had our ups and downs through the years and there are things in the past that I just don’t understand. But he’s my dad.
1998 I left home the day before Thanksgiving when I was 18. We were living with my dad’s new girlfriend. HER and I did NOT get along. It felt more like a competition for the attention of my dad than a family household. Even my sister and I were enemies at this point. The one I protected while we were growing up. We should have been close as ever for all the hell we went through with our mother. But instead, we were fist to fist in the corner of the hallway as I tried to hold her down. I was willing to be homeless rather than stay hiding in my room from this war. It was not the way I expected to leave but hey, nothing ever is.
A few different friends took me in and helped me get on my feet. My dad was always informed by them where I was staying. I was thankful for that. This was a much needed break and to this day would not change anything. I got myself together mentally and financially. It took months before my dad and I spoke again. I was still so angry. But I put that anger aside because I missed him so much. A year later I was off to Chico, Ca. FREEDOM!
Fast forward to 2007 So when I had this chance to move near him again I thought this was the chance I was waiting for. The day had finally come to where we could have a real father-daughter relationship. Whatever that is really. Instead of living three days away I would be as close as three hours! There was no way this wasn’t going to work out. His longtime girlfriend of thirteen years, surly we had both matured enough to leave the past in the past and move on as family. Right?
Visits were made. My dad and HER came to my baby shower in 2008. A few months after my son was born they decided to drive down to meet their first grandson. Which neither wanted to touch or hold. My heart was broke and I just couldn’t understand. It’s like the baby was this thing or whatever to them. And then they came out for my sons first or second birthday. Honestly I really don’t remember because they never really got up from the couch to socialize, play with the kids or anything really. Oh wait, they did get up… to grab another drink. Now, we would try and visit them at least twice a year. It was hard because not only was my son still not warmly embraced by these people I called my parents but my husband and I felt uncomfortable also. All the forced smiles. All the small comments ignored and pushed to the side.
Easter 2012 came and there we were again, making the drive back up to the hills to visit family that I grew up with but never really knew. There was such an attitude and coldness from everyone when we showed up. My sister wouldn’t even look at me let alone approach me. Why? SHE had a cold shoulder too. What was going on? What did I walk in to? Even my dad seemed to avoid talking to me. Me? Me! The oldest daughter, remember? My heart sank as we all headed from the Easter egg hunt back to their house. There, we would be confined and something just felt so off. Something was going to blow.
“Do something with him!” with rolling eyes, a disgusted look on HER face as SHE dropped my son, held up in the air by one arm like a trash bag and drops him like trash. With a huff, SHE slams the back door and I get up to see what he could have done in the first 10 minutes of us being there that was so bad. “He told me no.” SHE finally shot out after I asked three times what did my baby do. Wait, he told you no? Does SHE not understand that my boy is only three years old? No is their favorite word, what do you expect? I kept my cool and again asked what did he do other than say no. SHE completely went off in a snotty high schooler temper tantrum about my son wanting to play in the Easter grass from his basket in the floor with his cars. Seriously woman? That’s it? I take it no one, not even my dad must tell her the word “NO.” I felt like I was 16 again being yelled at for whatever reason and started to shut down. But I was a Mom. That is my son. How fucking dare you! As these thoughts ran through my head I couldn’t make out what pathetic angry words she was shouting at me while holding her glass of wine up in the air like she was quite the somebody. My sister standing there next to me, put her head down like a brown nosed coward and took no part other than to kiss up to HER. My dad. My dad decided he didn’t see anything. Of course not. He was only sitting right there. So I backed out gracefully, lightly shut the door as she was still rambling nonsense, picked up my son who was hiding under a chair, left all the Easter items that were “gifts” and we were gone. I was so upset my own father decided not to take part in any of what had just happened. He called about an hour later while we were on the road. My husband spoke with him because I was STILL crying. He, my dad, my childhood hero, the one person I wanted a relationship so much with, said nothing.
It took about a month before my dad decided to call or text. I didn’t because I really didn’t have much to say. Plus HER voice is his voice mail and I really didn’t want to hear it. Every call after that was small talk, the main issue being avoided. No questions. No comments. Never asks about my son. Just the usual obligated phone call I had been receiving from him for years.
September 2012 “I wish you would fix things between you and HER so we can both come to see your new house” is what my dad’s text said about a month ago. With not even a blink of an eye I responded. I had nothing to fix with HER. I had had it. I had done nothing wrong. My son had done nothing wrong. SHE was the one that needed to make a call. Not me. I took the high road to quietly walk out and leave their home when all I wanted to do was dump over those Easter baskets and yell, “Here’s your fucking mess!” But you know, maturity. Needless to say I haven’t heard from him since that text a month ago. Am I surprised he once again, putting one of his children off to the side for the female in his life? No. This is a pattern from far back as I can remember. Did I expect him to try and call after that text? Yes. But what did I really have to say? We have been doing this over and over since I was a kid.
Moving out here to Georgia was the best decision I ever made. I expected to mend and build a real relationship with my parents. My dad. But what I found was the love of my life who stands behind me and beside me and is my family. The greatest father I have ever known. A man that stands up for his children and his wife, (that would be me) and we all work on our family bonds and admit when we are wrong.
Connect with Shawna on Twitter, Facebook, and her blog.
Lots and lots of HUGS. Good for you for not staying in the same dynamic as childhood – but man, does that suck. Thank you for sharing – and hugs to that awesome hubby of yours too!!
Hi and thank you! I am so lucky to have an awesome husband that supports and stands by me. The whole situation is just awful and heartbreaking.
Good Luck , I personally know how it feels to be so hurt by the man most little girls call their forever hero. My dad is so controlled by his wife, this past Christmas when he sent my boys money for Christams it came with a note that simply said ” Don’t tell noone about this.” Broke my heart that once a year, just once at Christmas he couldn’t stand up to her and just say like it or not I’m giving my grandkids a christmas gift. My mom says he is the one who is missing out the greatest gift he ever had (me), But it doesn’t take the hurt away . ~ hugs to you and yours
Hey Kim, We experienced the same thing! My dad never picked out the gifts, they were always sent and signed by her. For my dad. My Hubby also said the same thing, he is the one who is missing out. On me and my kids. And you're right, nothing ever takes the hurt away. Hugs to you and thank you for sharing ♥
Life is tough on the heart. We want so very much for family to be what we need them to be. We try hard ad do things and put ourselves out there in ways we would never think of doing for other people. We love them and we want our love. Family is also the most heart crushing. We love them. We want their love. We want them to treat us like we treat them, our friends, others. I am so sad for you ad my heart breaks. You also channeled an incredible inner strength to walk out calmly and hold your ground until he came around. You continue to be the bigger person be even taking his calls. While my heart still hurts deeply for you you have in turn wrapped your arms around and fully embraced what you have with your husband. You will ensure it never goes unnoticed, is taken advantage of or is unappreciated.
It took everything I had to stop, take a breath, and walk out. Honestly I thought SOMEONE would come out the door and ask what happened or why we were leaving. No one.
When it comes to my family and kids, yes, I am very protective of them. Whether they are right or wrong in their actions I always and will always stand by their side. Thank you for commenting!
It's really quite heart breaking to read this. I'm glad you have your husband and your son and you all have each other. I can somewhat relate to this. MY parents are divorced and my dad's quite the ladies man for lack of a better term. He spends more of his energy on whoever is living with him at the moment than on me and his 3 grand children. He hasn't come to visit in 3 years and only sees us here and there when we are visiting my mom. It's sad and unfortunate but it is what it is!
It is what it is and that is something that has been hard for me to swallow. Big hug to you! I didn't know that there were so many others out there going through the same thing.
My husband and I both have dads who are just crap. It can be frustrating until you get to the point where you realize you can just let them go, it's not your fault they suck, and that you have an opportunity to far surpass them in the parenting department.
Well said!
This was so hard to read, Shawna, but I loved the ending. I've got some unresolved issues with family myself, but they're not from my lack of trying to fix them. I hope your family sees the light one day soon, but until then, I'm glad you've got your husband and son.