I had the supreme honor of choosing this week’s Monday Listicles topic! So, every time I thought about what I would write, I got a little panicked that I wouldn’t have ten things, or anything interesting to say.
Because wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants?
My topic was: I’ll Never: 10 Things You Said You’d Never Do But Have Caught Yourself Doing.
I never said my sons wouldn’t wear pink or play with dolls, and I never pretended to think my kids wouldn’t eat hot dogs or mac and cheese every day for lunch.
But here are ten things I DID say would NEVER happen.
1. I said I would never have kids. I was scared, y’all. Scared of them going to school, mostly. I figured that if I didn’t have kids, they wouldn’t have to grow up and get on the big, scary bus and go to the big, scary school where big, scary kids would make fun of them.
I now have four kids.
(I’m still scared)
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| Photo by Megan Hein |
2. I’m pretty sure I said I’d never drive a minivan. Not only do we have a minivan, but we grew OUT of the minivan with child #4, so now I mostly drive the minivan when I’m by myself. Because I’m hip like that.
3. I said I would never eat meat again. I became a vegetarian in high school, and stayed that way for about six years. Then I got pregnant and had an unreal craving for a breaded chicken sandwich from McDonalds. I never went back.
4. I didn’t think I was going to ever get married again after I became a widow at 25. Two years later, I married T.
5. I used to see those commercials for Kidz Bop music albums and thought that they were the most ridiculous, unnecessary, LAME CDs ever made. I scoffed every time I saw them. I would never, EVER buy a Kidz Bop CD.
And then my daughter fell in love with a Katy Perry song.
And you’d better believe I downloaded those pop-songs-gone-juvenile faster than you can say “bad role model”.
And I plan to buy the newest (my second) Kidz Bop CD as soon as it comes out.
6. I really never thought I’d lose touch with the entertainment world. I mean, what’s more important than what the hottest reality stars are doing on the LA streets after they leave their TV show cocoons? Whether or not Mr. Grumpfish is going to finally have a good attitude or the Map gets Dora where she needs to be?
Really?
REALLY?
If find out anything about my favorite stars these days (or any of them, really), it’s because people are tweeting about it.
7. I used to never dream of leaving the house without shaving my armpits. Seriously. I hated the feeling. But somewhere between having those kids I said I’d never have and losing my ability to shower every day, I’ve gotten over it.
I’m lucky if I can brush my teeth before 4:00pm some days.
But I promise if I ever see any of you in person, I’ll make more of an effort.
8. I never imagined I would let any of my children out of the house in a ridiculously mismatched outfit. But you know what? Some battles just aren’t worth fighting. And if you ask my mom, she’ll be happy to tell you all about the glorious outfits that I used to put together.
9. I used to think I would never leave the house in a pair of flip flops with chipped toenail polish. It still makes me cringe. But I do it. Because now, when I leave, I’m too worried about whether I’ve got diapers AND wipes for all for the appropriate children. And all of the children.
10. I said I’d never park my kids in front of the TV.
Snort! Who am I kidding?
I love TV. And I don’t have to park my kids anywhere. They gravitate.
